Monday, 17 March 2008 / 6:52 pm
okok, anger & hatred is surging through me right now.
my hands are burning & i'm desperate to strangle anybody i see right now.
im getting a headache, i feel rejected, i feel worthless.
i was awaiting for this day to come.
never did i expect it to come to me in such an awful manner.
such a big blow, i dno how i can survive.
shall i give an explanation? or should i not?
since everyone in tht particular group says i always complain.
even the most trusted one and the one i respect the most dislike me?
since they hate me & dont even bother about me...
why cant i just spill it out here, its my blog my entry my thoughts.
dont wanr train me then blame me?
well it's not my fault. & i just dno why, is it you're just biaus or you just buey song with me?
looking back last year, megan & i were always together, making choices together and doing stuff together, stroking etc.
it was hard to seperate us, but for fate, we had to.
we went into our own style. she was doubles, i was singles.
we both attend regularly, complain together, since she was always paiseh, i helped speak up for her.
then now, fingers are pointing at me, saying i complain too much?
what's wrong? cant we give feedbacks?
& still, eveytime you say i just dont push myself & give it my best & not to care about my pain or injury.
you think i never tried? i did. maybe i just dont show.
you're not me, you dno how i react, feel or what.
everytime i enter the court for trainning, the first thing that pops up to my head is to do my best so i can beat the shit out of the rest.
well, as you can see, being the noobest when i came in, i managed to climb my way up because of hardwork.
i used to always stay for extra trainning, stay longer, attend every trainning.
havent you realised i pushed myself to the maximum limit where i can no longer continue?
when i fractured my bone last year, didnt i still attend trainnings?
i still tried to play even though it was as if my hand were ripping apart.
it was because i was keen to learn new skills & tatics.
& you all never appriciate? even though my friends tio punishment because i won them in the match, i still pei them to do the punishment with them.
i showed teamwork didnt i? i just dont understand.
once, just a few weeks before competition, my hand had an unexpected internal injury.
i tried to push myself..& that was the point where i dropped & deproved.
from the 1st to the 3rd. i didnt blame anyone except myself.
i pushed & tried my best, but as the competition draws near i didnt wanr stress my hand.
even my parents said so.
BUT i HAD to strain it & 'give it my best' HAH,
you know how stupid i was, i did.
then i ended up breaking down, & you know what, they called me a crybaby,
its not like i wanted to just cry like that, you think i just cry whenever i feel like it?
i was just too stressed, dont you cry?
during competition i didnt win, & you all started turning sour.
just because i didnt win, you all just pick on me? like som sort of trash?
take uncle mok for an instance, he was saying, i was mentally arguing with him?
is it because he just doesnt like my face & behind that there;s another reason?
& the reason being because i lost all the matches hands down?
if that's the case i can do nothing about it.
still, i wanted to train despite the idioticy i faced, all the shitty attitudes & the cold shoulders.
but, there was once where there wasnt enough trainning,
i cant blame uncle mok now that i thought it over.
he's busy with work & he cant take tht much leave.
i understand, but now im so noob & rusty & you all just ditch me.
like what her blog said, nobody wanted to stroke with me just because i keep hitting out.
that's being biaus, dont you realise.
next thing that really fustrates me & almost dealing the last blow,
she mentioned, just because i hit the net or hit out, i asked people to pick and serve?
PLEASE, i didnt say anything, dont put words into my mouth., wait letme think
i think it should be, PLEASE dont STUFF words into my mouth.
i was going towards the shuttle to take. but who knew, you all went to towards the shuttle first.
you expect me to just snatch it away from you?
what can i do? if i hit out, you're the one that's supposed to take it right?
dont tell me from my court, ive got to run all the way to your court just to take the shuttle so you can be happy and not say me?
dont you hit it out? doesnt anybody hit it out? whats the problem with you guys.
OK fine i admit im lazy at times, but im not totally lazy am i?
at times, i mightve just came back from trainning then immidiately play with you, if not im just dead beat.
okok, so i did mention in my last post about badminton is just an exercise, so what.
what you want it to be? a stroll in the park?
whatever, maybe i used the wrong words for you all to percieve the wrong message?
ive just got no idea .
since all the badminton girls hate me, i cant do anything about it can i?
nobody asked you all to like me.
dont dare to tell me? well, if you're so good at saying all these behind my back, might as well just say it straight to my face, i cant do anything can i?there's no reason why i should scold or beat you.( now i know why chianyee they all stare at me)
& ahemmmmmmms, dont who's the one always complaining,extorting,bribing,sweet-talking,acting,being irratating,unfair,playful,etc.
welll to be REAL frank, i dont like you either, what can you do about it?
the only thing you can do is to hate me back (:
lols, HERE my full page of reflection, HOPE you too will reflect on yourself. (:
& if you are always vomiting & being fustrated with me, i advise to to go to the doctor so you wont be sick,
for me, ive got to go to the hospital, as i will vomit blood,having mental problems and so on.
if you think you're better then me, just because i didnt even win a match during the competition,
then fine.
but now on, where we stand, we're equals.
we'll fight for the 1st place to see who's lazy & who's the one complaining.
lets see, who'll get the last laugh
&to finalise this lorsorness,...
god is giving me a message, maybe i really cant trust anyone, maybe i really have no true friends,maybe i just have to be alone,trust myself,be myself, like myself.
this year, there's been a series of unfortunate events that happened to me,
it seem nothing will brighten up my day.
& im not going on friday anymore, whats the point when everyone's just gonnar gossip about me and staring at me?
i dont deserve going out, i think one of the seniorsenior hates me,
even if i go, i'll be left alone to rot, while she steals the show, since she's always getting close to all of them.
all i know is, im just gonnar give them a card then stay at home and sleep the whole afternoon.
what is love?
